Insecurities of Having A Disability

By Jason Green

Being disabled is hard. I can't sugarcoat it.

My mom and I were at 7-Eleven waiting for my cousin to pick us up. In the meantime, we looked around the store for snacks. I found my favorite: Hot Cheetos. My mom got the classic slurpee. Then, we went to the cashier to buy our snacks. 

“Do you work for a school district?” the cashier asked my mom.

“Yes, but not as a teacher,” my mom said.

“Thank you for taking care of these students,” said the cashier while gazing his eyes at me.

In that moment, I felt mocked, patronized. I remained stoic and silent, seething with a load of insults in inventory, but I had to tame them.

My mom stayed quiet. I remained outwardly composed. 

Does he look at my cerebral palsied body and assume low intelligence?

“What’s your name?” He asked in an infantilizing voice as he put his hand out to shake mine.

I shook his hand with my right hand with crooked fingers due to my cerebral palsy while smiling. An awkward smile was all I could do.

He offered me free snacks and I promptly rejected them. We walked out and left the man that will likely never understand my person and people like me. At least I hope not.

Like the cashier, there are many on a national and global level that carry misconceptions on disabilities. 

In my case, it was the cashier assuming I had some form of incompetence by looking at my physical disability, cerebral palsy, but this disability does not affect intelligence.

One study found an insignificant correlation with cerebral palsy and intelligence, but intellectual impairments are common in this disabled subgroup [1]. 

His assumption about my intelligence was correct; it is abnormal, as I do have an intellectual disability due to a brain malformation called agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC).

ACC occurs when the part of the brain that connects the left and right hemispheres is absent or partially absent. Mine is partially absent. What traits or symptoms and severity that come along with ACC vary person to person. Processing and learning concepts is more difficult for me than the average person.

Because of my difficulties with learning, I was placed in special education essentially from the beginning of my education until I graduated high school.

Special education allows for disabled students to receive an accommodated education that caters to their specific disability that may not work in a general education class. 

From my previous commentaries on special education, I believe that this system, initiated with good intentions, has not lived up to its promise relating to the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act, which was enacted in 1975. It is meant to provide students with disabilities an appropriate education, but I do not believe it was appropriate for me [2]. 

As a disclaimer, special education can be helpful for disabled students. Some do find adequate assistance. In addition, one cannot blame the failures of special education on a single entity or individual, but rather it is a mixture of components.

For me, special education has emotionally and academically harmed me. 

I remember in kindergarten or first grade a friend asked me, “Are you in special ed?”

“No.” I responded firmly.

He also said no when I asked him if he was in the program   

I found it slightly humorous in hindsight that both of us were in special education, but analyzing that moment, it seemed that I already thought this kind education was inferior at such a young age. 

I was able to acknowledge I was in special education a little after that, but I learned what pity was as well.

Around 4th grade, I made several friends from general education classes.

The friends I had were, of course, friendly, but it was like they were obligated to be around me.

I was at the baseball field during some outside activity and I joined my friends in hitting the baseball. 

When it was my turn, I swung the bat with tenuous force, driving it barely a yard. I then ran and made a home run. As I ran, I realized they let me be “great.”

Parents often teach their children to be respectful to disabled people and be kind to us even though we are different. 

Somehow this manifests into pity and inadvertent condescension.

My friends at the time had the intention of being kind, and so did the 7-Eleven cashier, but it ultimately felt dehumanizing. There is this isolation that subtly forms from it, an insecurity 

What could be done to combat societal pity? That is a conundrum. A good foundation and principle to begin with is to acknowledge that every human has some degree of limitation. This includes both non-disabled and disabled individuals. Limitations do not make one less than.

To find confidence in oneself is harder than warping negative societal thought. 

After years of dealing with misunderstandings, as I made it to community college, I started to feel academic pain via myself.

In special education, teachers set the pace for the class to be slower than general education classes. If students were struggling, the student that was slightly more advanced was relegated to the other students’ level, zapping them of potential. 

I was in an English class where the students could not read novels, but I wanted to. So, in highschool I read on my own time. Surprisingly, I learned how to first read through anime subtitles. Reading is still a struggle to this day. 

Whenever A-G requirements (required courses to go to California State universities) were mentioned, my special education teachers would tell students to ignore this information since it didn't apply for them. 

From here, I believed that I did not belong in a university, 

Years before this, my mom would tell me that I will be attending Cypress College after graduating. 

At Cypress College, I declared my major to be journalism. The idea that I am not worthy of going to college or university stayed with me

Arriving at community college, I understood that there was a large academic and intellectual gap.

In a geology class, my classmates had to help with almost every concept because I could not independently. I barely passed with a C.

My community college’s newsroom was inviting. They treated me like a student journalist, not a disabled journalist. Although, I was constantly envious of my peers’ ability to write. They produced high quality stories within a matter of hours.

I would almost fold whenever I was assigned an article due to having a deadline and I had to process complex information in a short amount of time, but I was proud every time an article of mine was published. 

My editors, peers and friends often tell me how they are impressed with my writing ability. However, I do not believe them.

My perceived inferiority worsened when I enrolled at California State University, Long Beach (CSULB). 

As I currently attend CSULB, I have reached a point in academia where disability is not as present compared to community college. 

Around 19 percent of undergraduate students have a disability [3]. 

Unfortunately, envy has taken center stage in my life. 

No matter what I do, or how successful I am in my own way, I look at my friends and see how distinguished they are.

I feel like I am not doing enough. Then, I built pressure for myself because I want to be seen as an example for disabled students. 

My struggle with envy has damaged some of my friendships because I think that I have to be worthy enough, smart enough to be someone's friend, but that is far from reality.

For now, I consider myself to be successful even though I disagree with myself. By pushing myself to find internships and opportunities has been proof to myself that I am smart and am worthy of being cared for. I tell myself that even in failure, that still can count as success.

I am thankful that 3DA allowed me to write about disability, which is my eternal passion.

Having a disability is hard, I just need to work harder to succeed and love myself.

Works Cited

[1] Individuals with disabilities education act (IDEA). U.S. Department of Education. (n.d.). https://www.ed.gov/laws-and-policy/individuals-disabilities/idea

[2] Türkoğlu, G., Türkoğlu, S., Çelik, C., & Uçan, H. (2017, March 1). “Intelligence, functioning, and related factors in children with cerebral palsy.” Noro psikiyatri arsivi. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5439469/ 

[3] Welding, L. (2023, March 29). “Students with disabilities in higher education: Facts and statistics.” Bestcolleges. BestColleges.com. https://www.bestcolleges.com/research/students-with-disabilities-higher-education-statistics/